This week I discovered a whole new type of hell. FFS.
Chai loves them. FFS.
My cousin gave us a pile that her son no longer wants and OMG, they are a nightmare. FFS.
They're supposed to be kids toys and yet you need a mechanical engineering degree to transform the stupid things. FFS.
You can guarantee that after I've spent half an hour transforming Bumblebee into a car accompanied by Chai alternating between asking if I've finished yet and whining that it's taking too long, within five minutes he'll want Bumblebee to be a robot again. FFS.
Damned stupid things. FFS.
Don't get me started on Optimus Prime. He's impossible to transform into a truck, even with instructions. FFS.
Valentines day was one of those days. FFS.
Eljay woke up at 5am and wouldn't go back to sleep. FFS.
Chai woke up not long after in a horrible, sad, I miss Daddy mood. FFS.
That never makes for a good day. FFS.
Nothing I try makes him happy. FFS.
I decided we needed to get out of the house to take Chai's mind off his misery. Not FFS.
Whilst I was trying to get us ready both kids spent the whole time fighting, screaming, yelling and hitting each other. FFS.
By the time I finally got us all into the car I was exhausted and totally drained. Then Tiger called to complain I hadn't said happy valentines day and I started crying. FFS.
He has nofaking idea what it's like when he's away. FFS.
In his wildest dreams he couldn't imagine what it's like. FFS.
What I wouldn't give to be the one who gets to go to work sometimes. FFS.
I won't bother telling you about the rest of the day but suffice to say that it involved screaming (from the kids as well as me), Chai pooing outside, Eljay damaging my hearing with his screaming, Bella digging holes all through the lawn and me wondering why the hell I wanted kids so desperately. FML. FFS.
When Chai is behaving like that Tigers solution is "If I was there I would have smacked him". FFS.
What a stupid idea. When you're upset, how is someone hitting you supposed to fix things? Would that make you feel better? No. FFS.
Next time Tiger is upset I'll slap him to see if it helps him feel better. Then maybe he'll understand why smacking an upset child isn't a good idea. FFS.
Sunday I did something disgusting. FFS.
Actually Chai did it. FFS.
We were out at the playground when all of a sudden he was busting to do a poo. FFS.
There were no toilets around and we'd walked there from my sisters house so going home wasn't an option. FFS.
I was trying to find a secluded spot in the bush but the poor little tyke was busting so badly that he couldn't even stand still. FFS.
In the end he was so desperate he ripped down his pants and did a poo right on the edge of the path. FFS.
Of course it was a monster poo! FFS.
How such a huge poo came out of my little boy I have no idea. FFS.
Naturally he got poo and wee all over his shorts. FFS.
Thankfully he had boxer shorts on so I just took his shorts off and he was happy. Not FFS.
So there I was standing next to the path looking at a monster poo with nothing to clean it up. FFS.
There were no dog poo bags around, I had nothing in my bag other than mini baby wipes which were nowhere near big enough to pick it up. FFS.
I couldn't even find leaves or sand to cover it with but I didn't want to leave it there so I tipped the water from my water bottle all over it. It made no difference at all. FFS.
In the end I was forced to leave the monster poo there. FFS.
I went back the next day and got rid of it. Disgusting. FFS.
Gross, gross, gross.
You can just imagine what it looked and smelled like after sitting in the hot sun for a whole day. FFS.
Disgusting doesn't even begin to describe it.
It's occurred to me that I'm doing all you childless people a favour. Who needs to buy contraception when you can just read my FFS Friday posts. You're welcome.