Friday, 29 November 2019

FFS Friday - Worse

I medicated Chai last week. 
If you read last weeks FFS Friday post you'll know I was in two minds. 
So what made me medicate? A few things.
We had two really awful days in a row. Really awful. When I say awful days, they're days when Chai starts the day upset and nothing I do will change it. Days like that are tough for all of us. Those are the days I wish I'd never had Chai. That's not ok for any of us. I don't want to feel that way, Chai doesn't want to feel upset and Eljay doesn't want a brother who's unkind. 
If I'm feeling awful I can only imagine how truly terrible Chai must feel.
Thursday a close friend lost one of their friends. He had similar issues to Chai and couldn't continue on so ended his life. It made me realise that if I don't get Chai's issues under control that could be him sometime in the future.
Thursday afternoon Chai did something really worrying and that was my decision made.  

Friday I read an article that suggested a lot of Chai's issues could be fixed with fish oil so naturally I freaked out, told myself I hadn't tried everything before medicating and decided I'd done the wrong thing.
Then I told my brain to calm the fuck down and stop being stupid. Sometimes my brain is my worst enemy. 

I can't say I'm totally okay with this decision. I'm not. But we cannot continue this way. I can't let Chai feel awful all the time and I can't let Eljay grow up in such a high stress household. 

Tiger played no part in this decision. He has no realistic understanding of what life is like for Chai. He thinks that all the issues are because he works away and that if he comes home it'll all be fixed. 
It won't. 
Also, if he truly believes that why the fuck is he still working away?

So here we are. It's been a week now and so far other than an escalation of his anxiety, we haven't noticed any other changes. Considering the medication is supposed to help his anxiety, I'm not impressed that it's having the opposite effect. We'll give it another week and if he's still no better we'll stop the medication as it's clearly not the right one for him.  

Speaking of things that are worse, my ankle is. I hurt it twice on the weekend (doing things that shouldn't have hurt). 
Saturday I was sitting down to put on my ankle brace when I lightly touched the back of my heel. 
It hurt so much that I couldn't move or talk and nearly vomited. I had to sit there for five minutes before I could function.
Sunday I was getting out of the car and touched my heel on the edge of the car. Same deal, it hurt so much that I nearly vomited. 

Since then my ankle has got progressively sorer, I've lost movement and gone back to needing pain killers and my crutches full time. 

I saw the physio on Wednesday, he's not happy and says that it shouldn't be so easy to hurt and should not be so sore. He's written to my surgeon and I'm hoping to find out today what the next step is. It'll probably be an MRI. 

Here's hoping they find out what's wrong and I can start getting better!

Have a beautiful weekend :)

Sunday, 24 November 2019

Thoughts of the week

1. I've discovered a new favourite lip balm flavour....watermelon mint. I have an old Revo lip balm that I dug out a few weeks ago when I wanted to use a ball shaped lip balm. Does anyone else do that? Decide they want to use a particular type of balm (tube, oval tube, pot, squeeze tube, tin etc?) Just me? Okay then.
Anyhow, the Revo lip balm is melon mint flavoured and it's gorgeous. I don't think Revo balms are available any more however I've found an Aussie store called Toby and Rosie who have a watermelon mint flavoured balm, so I've ordered it.

2. I got good news this week. I'm allowed to start doing legs at the gym again. I can't use any weight but at least I can do something. I did a small leg workout on Friday, it wasn't much but was nice to get my legs moving again.

3. On Tuesday I was sent the limited edition Luk Beautifood Nude Pink lipstick. It's perfection. You know when you apply a product and it's love at first application? That's what Nude Pink is. I've already purchased a backup.

4. Why don't shopping centres have parcel lockers? You could shop online from the stores in the centre, they could put your purchases into the locker and you could pick it up whenever you wanted to. 
They're constantly asking people to shop local and support the local businesses, but they don't do anything to make that easier. They don't offer click and collect, they don't offer home delivery and yet they complain when you don't shop with them.
If retailers made it easier people would shop with them more. Parcel lockers would be a great start. Maybe I should patent that idea and start selling it to shopping centres. I might get rich. Haha.

5. What's with the laws at liquor shops now? We don't drink much so rarely go into a bottle shop. It's been about 12 months since I bought alcohol, however I got told off at the bottle shop this week because I needed Chai to carry my purchases to the counter. I couldn't carry it myself as I'm on crutches and there was only one staff member who was busy serving customers. What else was I supposed to do? I understand children can't have alcohol, but what's the deal with them not being able to carry it to the counter when I can't?

For anyone who's wondering, the links in this post aren't affiliate links.

Friday, 22 November 2019

FFS Friday - What to do?

Having a busted ankle really isn't fun. I'm over it. As of this week I'm officially done. It's not fun, I've had enough and I want it fixed. Unfortunately it's not that simple. I still have another three months until I'm expected to be back to normal. FFS.

Having said that, there a few funny things about having a busted ankle, mainly I keep on getting stuck.

A few weeks ago I got stuck on a foot stool. I was in my wardrobe and wanted to look at my lip balms because I hadn't seen them for a few weeks. I climbed up onto the stool, admired my balms, turned around to get down and then realised I was stuck.
I couldn't put my busted ankle down first because I couldn't put weight on it. I couldn't put my other leg down first because I couldn't bend my ankle. I'd left my crutches in the kitchen, there was nothing I could hang on to in order to get down so I was totally stuck. I didn't want to call Mum to help me so I stood there for a while then fell/sat down. Won't do that again.

I also keep on getting stuck on the ground. I can't crouch down so if I need something on the floor I have to sit down, but then I can't get back up again. Fun times. Having a dodgy right knee just adds to the difficulties. Oh well.

I've decided to medicate Chai. I don't want to. We saw the paediatrician at the end of last month. He prescribed medication. I bought the meds but haven't given them to Chai yet. I keep on going around in circles. If he had asthma I'd happily give him the medicine so why am I so hesitant to give him medication that will help him and also help the whole family?

I've decided it comes down to the fact that mental heath issues aren't definite diagnoses, people can be misdiagnosed. If someone has asthma, there's no doubt about it so you know that they need medication. 
Mental health issues aren't like that. They can change and be misdiagnosed.

Chai doesn't want to take the meds because he doesn't trust the Dr. Fair enough. 
I have no idea what to do.
Everyone who's spent a decent amount of time around Chai thinks I should medicate him. Even people who are totally against medication change their minds after being around Chai. 
Some days I think he's not that bad, but then he's all I've ever know so his behaviour is normal to me (even though I know it's not normal behaviour). 
Other days I think he's terrible and I can't stand his behaviour a second longer. 

I just don't know what to do. 
What if I give him the meds and it has a long term negative effect on his health? What if I give it to him and it has long term positive effects on his health? 
What if I wait a while and his behaviour improves? What if I wait a while and his behaviour gets worse?
What if the meds cause other conditions (which is possible)? What if the meds make him docile and zombie like? What if they make him a dream child? 
Is it unkind of me not to give him the meds? It must be awful for him dealing with his anxiety and panic attacks. If the meds can stop that is it wrong not to give them to him?
They'd also help him sleep which could potentially mean that Tiger and I could sleep in the same bed. I don't remember the last time we slept in the same bed all night. It'd be at least two years, if not longer. 
Is it cruel to force him to take meds that he doesn't want to or do I need to make him for his own good?
See what I mean? I just keep on going around and around in circles. 

The meds he's been prescribed only need to be taken for six to twelve months then he can just take them when he's having a bad day. 

I think we need to give them a go. It could be life changing for all of us.

It's really silly but I feel like giving him the meds is giving in and admitting failure. I feel like I should be able to fix his mental health issues. The rational side of me knows how silly that is but the emotional side of me isn't listening to reason. 

What to do?

Sunday, 17 November 2019

Thoughts of the week

Hello! It's time for thoughts of the week.
Today I only have one thought and it's about social media.

Last week I was thinking about my Instagram following. I haven't been posting much the last few weeks as I haven't been able to take photos. My followers haven't increased for ages. I decided that I need to put more effort into growing my Instagram.

A few seconds later I changed my mind. Here's the thing with social media. It's your space. You can do what you want with your space. You don't need to be anything, you don't need to have a set number of followers, certain engagement etc. Your space can be what you want it to be.

The same goes for blogging, Facebook, Pinterest etc.

Make the space your own. Don't pressure yourself to be anything other than what you want to be. If you want to hustle and grow your following, do it. If you don't want to hustle, don't. It's your space, your choice and your rules.

Years ago I used to get sent a lot of PR packages to review for my blog and after a whilst I realised that it's not my thing. I hated the pressure of having a whole pile of products to review, I hated the pressure that I got from PR companies and I hated not writing about what I wanted to write about.

Instagram is the same. I like posting about whatever I want to. I like blogging and Instagraming on my own terms, when I want and how I want to.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Friday, 15 November 2019

FFS Friday - ATFL

Hello beautiful people! How are you? I've missed blogging, it's nice to be able to sit at my computer without my leg and foot swelling up.

So, do I have some stories to tell. I'll start with the day I busted my ankle.

Turns out the entire events of the day are Tigers fault.

It was Fly Out Day which is always a tough day. Things started normally enough, however I should have known it wasn't going to be a great day when Tiger gave me my morning my afternoon coffee cup.

It's due to that the rest of the day was a disaster. All Tigers fault. If he'd given me my coffee in the right cup it would have been fine.

As usual, Tiger and the boys went for a morning ride. They'd only been gone five minutes when I got a phone call from Tiger. Straight away I knew it wasn't good news.

Chai had fallen off his bike, gone flying through the air and face planted onto the bitumen road. FFS.

I got straight into the car and went to collect them. It was 8.30am, right at school drop off time and they were on the footpath between a high school and primary school.

I raced over there, parked on the foot path and got out. It was then I realised that I was wearing my pj's, dressing gown and Tigers slippers. Nice.

Chai was okay because his helmet took the brunt of the impact. He had a cracked lip, sore nose, grazed chin and a little bruising of his lip but that was it. We were so lucky, it could have been a lot worse.

I got Chai home, cleaned him up and the morning continued. When Tiger left we headed to the gym. We don't usually go to the gym on a Tuesday but Chai wanted to go to take his mind off Tiger leaving.

We were walking through the car park when my left ankle gave way and I landed on my right knee. FFS.

It was so painful that I had to stand there for a few minutes. Chai immediately started panicking and crying so instead of going home and icing my ankle like I wanted to, we continued on into the gym. I could barely walk but had to pretend that I was okay so Chai stayed calm.

If there was anywhere in the gym I could have sat down without Chai seeing me I would have sat there for an hour, but there's not so I did my workout. It was leg day.
Not the smartest decision I've ever made. I did most of the workout, a few exercises were too painful so I skipped them.

After my workout I looked at my ankle and it was only a little bit swollen so I thought I'd just sprained it.

By the time I got home and got us all inside I thought it was broken. It was so very, very painful. I have no idea why I didn't sit down and ice it. Actually that's not true, I do know why. I couldn't risk Chai knowing that I was worried about my ankle because it would have sent him into a panic, so I minimised it and told him I'd just sprained my ankle.

I made a Dr's appointment for first thing the next morning.

As per usual, everything goes wrong when Tiger isn't home. This one is some sort of record though, he'd only been gone half an hour when disaster struck.

By the end of the next day I was in a moon boot with a referral to a surgeon, lots of painkillers and instructions to keep my ankle totally immobile and stay off it.

I have a complete tear of the anterior talo-fibular ligament. According to the ultrasound the atfl is not present. Great. My atfl will not grow back, my ankle will just learn how to function without it.

I'm having physio every week and he expects it'll take three to four months to recover. If it's not better in four months the surgeon will operate. I'm really hoping I don't need surgery because that will be a twelve month recovery period. FFS.

Words cannot describe how grateful I am that it's my left ankle that was injured, because I can still drive (I have an automatic car). I couldn't even begin to imagine how I'd survive if I couldn't drive.

So that's my ankle story. Next week I'll tell you about our visit to the paediatrician.

I hope you are all well, happy and healthy.

Thursday, 7 November 2019

I'm still here

Hello! I'm back again. It's been a while. So where have I been?
Well....I injured my ankle and have spent most of the last three weeks laying on my back with my leg in the air. Fun times.

I have special skills. It was the day Tiger flew back to work. He'd just left and Chai was upset so he'd asked if he could go to the gym creche to take his mind off things.

We were walking into the gym when my ankle gave way and I fell on my other knee. It was so painful I couldn't even talk. Chai immediately started crying and panicking so I had to pretend that I was okay even though I was in agony. I wanted to go home but Chai was working himself into a panic so I dropped them at the creche and checked my ankle. It looked okay, it wasn't swollen or hot so I assumed I'd just sprained it. I did the parts of my workout that I could do without pain and checked my ankle again, it still wasn't swollen or hot. We got home and my ankle got progressively worse. Within a few hours it was so sore I thought I'd broken it. If only I had.

The next day I called Mum, told her what had happened and asked her to be ready to come down. Dad came over to look after the kids whilst I spent the whole day sorting out my ankle. I saw the Dr three times and had an ultrasound. Turns out I've completely torn my anterior tabofibular ligament. It's going to take three to four months to heal and if it's not better then I'll need surgery which will then mean an additional six month recovery. Broken bones heal faster. FFS.

There aren't many people who can tear ligaments whilst walking along. Clearly I have skills.

I'm in quite a bit of pain at the moment so I'm not sure when regular programming will resume, but I will be back.

I'm on Instagram most days so feel free to follow me there.