Lately

I've been quiet here lately. It's just been all too much. There's so much to do and I'm getting nothing done at all.

Chai's having suicidal thoughts again. I feel so helpless. We have no paediatrician so medication isn't an option and I don't know what else to do. 

He's seeing his psych in a few weeks but that's not a quick fix. 

Ten year olds should not be thinking about suicide. There's something seriously wrong when a little boy is thinking about ending his life. 

The lack of support is shocking. I told his Dr and all she said was "that's really rough". Yep, sure is.

The safest and most commonly prescribed anti anxiety medication for children is one that's most common side affect in children under 12 is suicidal tendencies. Great. So the solution to suicidal thoughts is likely to cause suicidal thoughts. Helpful. 

Added to that, Chai's behaviour lately has been awful. He's rude, abusive and not at all fun to be around. 

I don't want to do this anymore. 

I don't want to lie in bed every night wondering how the hell I'm supposed to help my child. 

I don't want to wake up every hour having a panic attack at the thought of losing my baby. 

I don't want to be abused every day.

I don't want to have a child in my room or bed every single night.

I don't want to worry about the mental health of my youngest child because he's constantly mistreated by his brother. 

I don't want to feel like I'm spiralling out of control.

I don't want to feel constantly stressed.

I just want a normal, happy life. Surely that's not too much to ask?