Lately I've been a crap Mum. A really crap Mum.
You know what? Whilst I hate it and I'm not okay with it, I'm totally okay with it.
I don't subscribe to this Mummy guilt bullshit. Sure, I'm constantly thinking I could have done better and trying to improve, but I'm not going to give myself a hard time for the times that I fail. I fail all the time, almost every day and that's okay.
I'm not perfect and it's unreasonable to expect that I'll never make mistakes. There will be times I'm an awesome Mum, times I'm an okay Mum and times I'm a totally crap Mum. In my opinion the most important part is how I come back from the crap times. I don't always get that right either and that is also totally okay.
My kids need to see that it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to apologise and it's also okay to forgive yourself and move on.
This parenting gig is hard. Lately I've felt like I'm drowning. The aloneness of it really gets to me, it's such a lonely job being a parent. The times when you really need someone, in the middle of the night when you're exhausted and the kids won't sleep, when your baby has been awake every two hours for the last three nights or when you've had enough and the kids won't STFU, you're alone. There's no-one there, just you and the kids. It's in those raw, gritty moments that I struggle. That I make bad decisions, yell at the kids, get angry, or just walk away and leave them to it. It's not pretty. It's ugly and raw and primal.
I hate those moments. I hate the feeling when I've absolutely had enough and can't take any more, when I feel like I'm about to explode. When I want just a few minutes alone to breathe. I don't get that time. I can't take time out, I have to keep on parenting.
These times make me feel so very alone, like I'm on an island with no-one around. That aloneness doesn't go away. It stays with me all the time, like a stone in my shoe that I can't get rid of.
I wish more people talked about these tough times. I look at the other parents I know and wonder if they go through the same things, if they feel the same way that I do. I'm sure they do, but rawness and brutal honesty is not something that most people can cope with.
As I type this the kids are parked in front of the TV. I'm sure they have been getting way too much screen time lately, but I'm struggling so that's just the way it is. It's either eat junk food and have me constantly angry or sit in front of the tv whilst I cook and have a few seconds peace.
To you all you people who are struggling, feeling lonely, think you're a crap Mum, you're not alone, I'm right here with you. If you ever need to talk I'm always here.