Friday, 27 April 2018

FFS Friday - Beautiful

I've been struggling lately, feeling very isolated and alone. It's school that does it. As wonderful as they are, I feel like I just don't fit in with the school mums. I've got to the point where I am not coping very well with seeing their children thrive whilst Chai struggles. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that their children are thriving, I love seeing them get awards and succeed, but it makes me feel so sad for Chai.

As Chai has got older and his issues have got worse, I feel like I can't relate to the other mums. They don't have the struggles I have, their kids are happy, they love school, they do their homework, the parents get time out because both kids are at school now and life goes along happily for the most part.

Me...every day is a struggle. I struggle to get Chai to school, I fight with the school to get his needs adequately met, I  struggle to get him to do his reading. It's the only homework he does. There are three other homework things he's supposed to do every night which I don't bother with. He's only received two merit certificates in three years. He never gets class rewards, he can't do news because that's a reward, he can't take a toy to school because that's a reward, he can't tell the class about something that excites him because that's a reward.

I try to focus on the things that he can do but when it's in your face every day, that gets tough. I hate school. I hate it as much as Chai does. I hate that it focuses on what he can't do instead of celebrating all the wonderful things that he can do. 
He's an awesome child. He's kind, he's creative, he's considerate, he's sensitive, he has a wonderful imagination, he is outgoing and loves to chat to everyone. He has the best memory of anyone I've ever know, he remembers everything, even things from when he was two, it's amazing.

Out of school I'm regularly told what a gorgeous child he is. In school it's the opposite. I fucking hate school.

School is teaching him that he's inadequate, that he's naughty and that he's not clever. They couldn't be more wrong. He's perfect just the way he is. Without people who are different the world will never change. Chai brings a beautiful, shining light to this world. It's a pity school can't see that. School is slowly but surely putting his light out. They don't want him to march to the beat of his own drum, they want him to march to their drum, but he can't. He can't match their rhythm no matter how he tries. 

Then there's Eljay. He was supposed to be my easy child. He's not. He doesn't go to school. I wonder if it's mean making Chai to go school and letting Eljay stay home. It probably is. Eljay's staying home because kindy isn't compulsory so keeping him home is easy. Keeping Chai home is not so easy.

Tiger is thinking that next year Eljay will go to school and be okay with it. I'm not so sure. In fact, if I know Eljay at all I can tell you right now, Eljay will not be ok with going to school next year. 

So, back to me. I can't relate to my Mum friends because I don't have anything in common with them anymore. They're getting their freedom back, they're exercising, studying, working and having a little time to themselves. Their lives have moved on and got a little easier, which is wonderful. They look so relaxed and happy, it's great to see.

I, on the other hand, am more stressed than ever. I fight for Chai every day. I'm exhausted. I get no time to myself, I don't work, study or exercise. I'm not standing proudly on the sidelines watching my children playing sport, getting a merit certificate or admiring their beautiful art. I'm not doing things that I want to do. 

I'm okay with this. Whilst I'd desperately love a little time to myself, I don't get it and that's just the way it is. There's no point fighting something I can't change.  

I am so very proud of my boys. I'm proud of what beautiful people they are. I love how Eljay notices everything. I love how Chai can make friends with everyone. I wouldn't change them for the world, but I will do my best to change the world for them.

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