Friday, 29 November 2019

FFS Friday - Worse

I medicated Chai last week. 
If you read last weeks FFS Friday post you'll know I was in two minds. 
So what made me medicate? A few things.
We had two really awful days in a row. Really awful. When I say awful days, they're days when Chai starts the day upset and nothing I do will change it. Days like that are tough for all of us. Those are the days I wish I'd never had Chai. That's not ok for any of us. I don't want to feel that way, Chai doesn't want to feel upset and Eljay doesn't want a brother who's unkind. 
If I'm feeling awful I can only imagine how truly terrible Chai must feel.
Thursday a close friend lost one of their friends. He had similar issues to Chai and couldn't continue on so ended his life. It made me realise that if I don't get Chai's issues under control that could be him sometime in the future.
Thursday afternoon Chai did something really worrying and that was my decision made.  

Friday I read an article that suggested a lot of Chai's issues could be fixed with fish oil so naturally I freaked out, told myself I hadn't tried everything before medicating and decided I'd done the wrong thing.
Then I told my brain to calm the fuck down and stop being stupid. Sometimes my brain is my worst enemy. 

I can't say I'm totally okay with this decision. I'm not. But we cannot continue this way. I can't let Chai feel awful all the time and I can't let Eljay grow up in such a high stress household. 

Tiger played no part in this decision. He has no realistic understanding of what life is like for Chai. He thinks that all the issues are because he works away and that if he comes home it'll all be fixed. 
It won't. 
Also, if he truly believes that why the fuck is he still working away?

So here we are. It's been a week now and so far other than an escalation of his anxiety, we haven't noticed any other changes. Considering the medication is supposed to help his anxiety, I'm not impressed that it's having the opposite effect. We'll give it another week and if he's still no better we'll stop the medication as it's clearly not the right one for him.  

Speaking of things that are worse, my ankle is. I hurt it twice on the weekend (doing things that shouldn't have hurt). 
Saturday I was sitting down to put on my ankle brace when I lightly touched the back of my heel. 
It hurt so much that I couldn't move or talk and nearly vomited. I had to sit there for five minutes before I could function.
Sunday I was getting out of the car and touched my heel on the edge of the car. Same deal, it hurt so much that I nearly vomited. 

Since then my ankle has got progressively sorer, I've lost movement and gone back to needing pain killers and my crutches full time. 

I saw the physio on Wednesday, he's not happy and says that it shouldn't be so easy to hurt and should not be so sore. He's written to my surgeon and I'm hoping to find out today what the next step is. It'll probably be an MRI. 

Here's hoping they find out what's wrong and I can start getting better!

Have a beautiful weekend :)

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