Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Struggling

I'm really struggling with motherhood at the moment. I desperately need some time to myself to relax and rejuvenate however circumstances haven't allowed that. My father in law is gravely ill so we've spent a lot of time commuting up and down to the city seeing him, never knowing if it's the last time we are going to see him. Saying goodbye when you don't know if it'll be the last time is not fun.

I've been feeling like every day is groundhog day. I get up, look after the kids, go to bed and do it all again the next day. Boring. I'm sure the kids must be feeling the same way too. That's one thing I'm struggling with living down here, there is not much to do. In the city there were endless playgrounds, I could take them to a different playground every day. That's what Chai and I used to do, we'd go to the library or go to a playground every day. He loved it, it got us out of the house and kept us both happy. Here, not so much. There aren't many decent playgrounds and because there are only a few, Chai is bored with them as we visit them so often. In the city we could go to a different playground every day for at least a month, so he never got bored.

I'm not one of those crafty mumma's who thinks of all these amazing things to do with her kids. The few times I've tried doing craft with Chai it's been a disaster. Everything ends up a total mess, he draws everywhere other than on the paper, glues things everywhere he shouldn't and I end up packing everything away in exasperation. Not fun.

When the weather is nice we go outside and play in the garden, do weeding, play in the sandpit, kick the soccer ball etc. 

Thinking back to my childhood I don't remember my parents playing with us very often, if at all and I don't want that to be the case for my children. Chai goes to kindy next year, which means I only have a few months left of having him home with me full time so I really want us to enjoy these months. I want them to be happy, fun filled months that we can remember. The only question is, how do I do that?

I know that I'm not giving the kids the kind of childhood I want them to have but I don't know how to fix it. I think the main reason is that I don't know what a magical childhood looks like. My childhood was far from magical. I try to imagine what a magical childhood would look like and I come up blank. The main thing I want is for the boys to be happy, but I also want them to have positive experiences and memories. I want them to have fun and adventures. I want the world to be a magical place for them to see and explore. I want them to find awe and wonder in the little things and the big things. I want them to be carefree and joyous. I want them to believe in fairies and the magic of mother nature. I want them to lose themselves in books, go walking in the bush, canoe down a river, get filthy dirty in the mud, fish for tadpoles, catch butterflies, lay on the ground and look at the stars or watch the clouds floating past.

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