Lately

I mentioned previously that we've had a lot going on lately. 

I've said all I can about those issues for two reasons. The aren't my stories to tell and some of them are subject to legal proceedings. 

 

We breezed through 2020. Whilst it was a rough year for a lot of people it was a great year for us. Tiger came home, the boys started school and we were finally back together as a family. 

This year hasn't been so kind. It's been very challenging. 

I'm coping, but only just. I feel like I'm walking on a knife edge and it just takes the tiniest, stupid thing to push me off. 

When I fall off it takes so much effort to drag myself up out of the hole again. 

A tiny thing will sink me into a bad mood that I struggle to get out of. It can be the simplest, stupidest thing too. 

For instance. Everyone uses my towel. By everyone I mean Tiger and the boys. They use my towel and leave it dumped on the floor so I'm constantly having to get out a new towel. It really irritates me. A few weeks ago, late in the day I got out a clean towel so that it'd be ready for me to use in the morning. 

Just before bed I went into the bathroom and discovered that someone had used my clean towel. I got so angry, it was ridiculous.

I had a huge rant in my head about how no-one can even bother replacing my towel after they use it and still felt grumpy when I went to bed. Silly. So very, very silly. 

 

Our psych told me that mothers of autistic children have the same stress levels as combat soldiers and I feel that in my soul.   

 

Whilst this all sounds negative, it's the small things that are getting me through. Tiny, little things. Waiting for a package (even if it's just an order of supplements), using a fresh towel, a nice room spray, ten minutes sitting down drinking my coffee. Those little moments bring me so much joy, they're what's sustaining me at the moment. 

 

Whilst I'm waiting for the storm to pass I'm doing my best to dance in the rain.