FFS Friday - The sound of silence

I'm venting today. It's cathartic. I write it all down and then it's gone, I forget about it. Sometimes I wonder if I should write the things that I write, but they're raw and true. I could pretend that everything is wonderful, but that's not the case. 

Reading honest, raw posts helps me feel like I'm not alone, so I hope this post does the same for someone else. 

Here we go:

 

How am I supposed to deal with this kid and maintain my sanity? How am I supposed to be positive and happy when he's so damn difficult all the f@#king time? When our days start with him being an asshole and get progressively worse through the day?

Take yesterday morning. We woke up, he got into bed for a cuddle. It was warm so I didn't have blankets on. He wanted blankets. I dragged the blanket under me and covered him. He complained that he had no blanket. I gave him more blanket. He complained that he had no blanket. I gave him as much blanket as I could. He complained again. I told him I couldn't give him any more blanket, he yelled at me for being mean to him. FFS.

I got out of bed. I just wanted to walk out the front door and go somewhere that he wasn't so I didn't have to deal with him. At the same time I felt guilty because he'd missed out on his morning cuddle, but I just couldn't do it.

He wouldn't stop talking to me. I wanted to scream at him to stfu. I just wanted to drink my coffee in silence. I couldn't look at him. I wanted him to go away. 

I went to the toilet, he followed me. Inside I was screaming at him to f@#k off. I gently asked him to leave the room whilst I was going to the toilet, he refused so I tried to pretend he wasn't there. It didn't work.

 

I am not a morning person. I like to sit alone in silence for ten minutes before I am ready to even look at anyone else. I don't get to do that any more and I hate it. Starting the day by being yelled at puts me in a funk that I struggle to pull myself out of. It reminds me of how much I struggle.

 

If I talk to people about my struggle most of them ask if I've medicated him. I have not medicated. They tell me that it'd be easier for me if I medicated. Maybe. But would it be easier for him? Would the long term effects be easier for him?

 

Would being suicidal at 10 years old be easier? That's the main side effect of the medication they want to give him. Considering the extreme reaction he's had to the other medications I've tried, is it worth risking a medication that might make him suicidal? The last medication I tried made his anxiety 100% worse and it's stayed that way. What if I gave him the medication, it made him suicidal and that never went away?

I'm told that once you've had suicidal thoughts they never go away. Imagine being like that from when you were 10. Imaging knowing that the reason you're suicidal is because your parents medicated you.

 

Not such a simple choice is it? 

 

Actually it is. It's very simple. 

 

I'll stick to my decision. I will not medicate, it's not worth the risk. 

 

I'll ignore the comments, I'll struggle along but I won't risk making my child suicidal. 

 

I'll vent when I need to. Just to get it out. Not to get solutions, just to get rid of the emotion. And no, I will not medicate.