Friday, 18 December 2020

FFS Friday - I want

I do not like my son today. 
I do not want to be his mum.
Just for today I want a normal child, one who doesn't explode all the time. One who won't swear or head butt me. One who won't hurt his brother every single day.
I want to have a day where I'm not worried about him and trying to find solutions that will make his life easier. 
I want a day where I'm not researching therapies or diets that might help.
I want a day, just one day, where he's kind to his brother. A day where I'm not really worried about the effect that his awful behaviour is having on his brother. 
I want a day where I'm just a normal mum with two normal kids. Where I don't have to ask him ten times to get dressed. 
A day where I'm not deep breathing to calm myself down. Where I don't feel like I'm about to lose it. 
A day where I don't have to hide in the toilet or wardrobe just to get a few seconds away from him.
I want a day where I can wake up and enjoy a peaceful time with my beautiful boys, instead of looking at the clock five minutes after we've gotten up and wondering how I'm going to make it through to bed time. 
I'd like a day where I don't wonder what I did wrong because my child thinks that constant foul language and violent behaviour is acceptable. 
I'd like a day where I'm not abused by my own child. 
I'd really like a day where parenting is fun, where I don't have to pretend that everything is great when it really, really isn't. 
I'd like a day where I don't have to sit on my bed whilst he goes to the toilet because he's too scared to be in the bathroom on his own.

I'd like a day where I could delight in how amazing and fun my boys are. 
(They really are.)

I'd like a day where I could enjoy his company. Where we could go to the supermarket or shopping centre without it being a nightmare. Where we could go to a cafe for a milkshake and cake without him ruining it and me wondering wtf I thought it was a good idea.
I'd like a day, just one day, where being a mum is fun.
Today is not that day. 
Tomorrow might not be either. 
But one day it will be that day. 
One day I'll know what's going on with my boy and how to help him be a calm, happy person. 
It won't happen overnight but it will happen. 
I will not rest until it does. 
Until then I'll enjoy the small, fleeting moments of joy. 
I'll reach deep and find my calmness in the storm. 
I'll let the emotions wash over me. I'll remain calm and centered.
Sometimes I'll fail and give in to those emotions, on those days I'll be gentle with myself, pick myself up and continue being the best version of me that I can. 
I'll continue pretending to the world that everything is wonderful, even though inside I'm falling apart. 
One day I won't feel that way. One day I won't be pretending. I look forward to that day. 
Better days are coming. 

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