Friday, 7 February 2020

FFS Friday - Souls

How is it Friday already? I'm not prepared at all. I swear it was Monday yesterday.

I think I might give up on psychologists. We've seen so many but I just can't find someone who works for us.

The problem is that I'm just not willing to follow their advice because it doesn't align with the way I parent.

The last psych we saw was lovely. I really like her but we just aren't on the same page. Firstly she's anti home schooling.
But what really put me off is the advice she gave me. She says that I need to change the dynamic between the boys (she's right). The way she suggests I do this is by sending Eljay to school plus before and after school care. She said he'll hate it and be miserable for six to twelve months, but it'll be good for him.

I just can't do that. I can't have my child sad and upset for six months. I couldn't deal with that for a week let alone six months.

Advice like that just makes no sense to me. It's not logical and my brain just doesn't understand why a professional would give advice like that. I'm trying to have happy kids not miserable kids. 

I am so not qualified to be the parent of a child with mental health issues. I just don't know how to deal with it. No-one seems to be able to help me, no matter how many people I ask how to help a child with anxiety, I'm yet to receive any helpful advice. They all just want to medicate but the medication doesn't work. WTF do I have to do to get help?

Parenting a child with special needs is relentless. It never stops. You don't get a break, it's constant, endless stress. It's constantly trying to stay calm when you're screaming inside. It's not yelling when you just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP!! It's putting on a happy face when you just want to sit down and cry. 
It's saying "I'm good thanks" when someone asks how you are because you know they just wouldn't understand so there's no point telling them the truth. 
It's buying things you don't need just so you have something to look forward to instead of spending the whole day wondering how you're going to make it through the day and counting down the hours until bedtime.
It's constantly searching for answers. 
It's lying in bed at night convinced you haven't done your best and wondering what else you can do to fix your baby.
It's desperately needing a break but knowing you're not going to get it. 
It's dreaming of getting just a little bit sick so that you can have a few nights in hospital for a rest. 
It's hours spent searching online for new therapies to help your child. 
It's looking at the clock at 5am and wondering how you're going to survive the very long day. 
It's explaining to well meaning people that no, your child doesn't need discipline and that yes, you have tried every single thing they suggest. 
It's endless appointments with Dr's, Paediatricians, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists Naturopaths and anyone else you can think of.  
It's feeling like you're going to explode from the effort of holding in your emotions and remaining calm. 
It's googling "can stress kill me?" and having no idea how you're going to continue whilst knowing that you have no choice but to pick yourself up and keep on going. 

It's also loving the beautiful, creative and imaginative little soul that you get to nurture. 
It's being amazed at how his brain works. 
It's loving how unique he is and how he marches to the beat of his own drum. 
It's being so grateful that you get to parent two beautiful, precious boys and not being able to imagine life without them.

Have a beautiful weekend xxx



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