FFS Friday - Round two

Hello and welcome to the bonus edition of FFS Friday. Yes, that's right, you get two FFS Friday posts this week because I have to get this out and I can't talk to anyone in person as Chai is stuck to me like glue.

Today we took Chai off his medication. 
His anxiety got so bad that we just couldn't continue. FFS.
The paed says it's not the medication causing the anxiety (even though that is a known side effect), it's that he's calm so more able to think. FFS.
Either way, his anxiety is worse and we can't continue on the medication. FFS.
Whilst it's was lovely having a calmer, less impulsive child, the anxiety just isn't okay.
I feel like I had to choose between my children. 
Having a calmer Chai means that life is a lot nicer for Eljay as he's not being hurt all the time. 
But constant meltdowns, panic attacks and crying fits are not healthy for Chai.
How the hell is a parent supposed to choose between their children like that?
In the end I had no choice, we just can't continue with Chai in that state.

Now I have no idea what to do. 

If I had to choose between getting rid of Chai's anxiety or his ADHD I'd choose the anxiety. But we do need to deal with the impulisivity because it negatively impacts Eljay and that's not okay.  FFS.

What am I supposed to do?

This is why I was so hesitant to medicate Chai. We've tried it twice and both times have been a total disaster. 

I've had four days of Chai in constant meltdown mode and I'm barely coping. He's a fucking nightmare. I can't be out of his sight, even if I'm on the loo he has to be able to see me. FFS.

He's crying all the time, freaks out if I leave the room for more than a minute and panics if I don't answer when he calls out to me.
He's not sleeping, not eating much and convinced that Tiger or I are going to die. 
I am not qualified to deal with this shit. 

Naturally I can't easily access help. We went to Headspace today but they don't deal with children under 12. 
The organisation that does isn't open today. FFS.
I can't get an appointment with a psych and there's a minimum 6 month waiting list to see a public psych. FFS.
WTF am I supposed to do?

I wanted to call the paed today but Chai wouldn't give me two seconds to breathe so I couldn't. 
I'll give him a break from the medication over the weekend and speak to the paed on Monday.

Why does it have to be so fucking difficult?