Friday, 30 August 2019

FFS Friday - Poor me

I would like a break from parenting. I'd like a week off, on my own, where I don't have to make appointments, prepare meals, try to educate my children, do housework, referee fights and all the other things that go with motherhood.

I'd like a supportive husband who takes the load off me and who shares the mental load that comes with raising a child with special needs. I want someone else to research therapy and treatment options. I want someone else to teach the boys so that I don't have to.

I want help and support.

I'd really like to be able to talk about Chai's issues but I just don't feel it's the right thing to do. It's not for me to disclose his personal information, even though writing about it would be a huge stress relief.

Having a child with special needs is so tough. There's no-one I can speak to who gets it. My friends children are all regular kids. Chai is a regular kid with extra challenges.

Our life would be so different if Chai didn't have challenges. It'd be a lot easier and less stressful. I look at other families and envy how much easier things are for them. Life for us is a daily struggle. We've adapted a lot to accommodate his needs and it's so very tough.

I hate to think what things will be like for him as he gets older.

I also hate to think about the affect his behaviour has on Eljay. It wouldn't be easy having him as a brother.

I can understand why special needs parenting breaks marriages. It's a huge load to carry.

Just for one day I'd like a normal life not affected by my sons needs.
I'd like to start my day happy and just have a regular, normal day where I didn't have to think about how Chai was coping and if he was upsetting Eljay.
I'd like to go shopping without a meltdown.
I'd like Chai to get dressed without taking half an hour to find something comfortable.
I'd like the boys not to fight.
I'd like to be able to drop them at a friends house so that I could have a break.
I'd like to feel happy and calm all day.
I'd like not to have to stop and take a few deep breaths to stay calm every half hour.
I'd like to not stop my gym workout every fifteen minutes to reassure Chai that I haven't forgotten him.
I'd like to enjoy motherhood not constantly check the clock and wonder how I'm going to make it through the day. 
I'd like to have a day where Chai's constant noises didn't set my nerves on edge.
I'd like to sit down and watch a movie with my boys.
I'd like to take them to a show or a concert.
I'd like to be able to go on holidays and for us all to enjoy it.
I'd like to lay in bed at night happy that we'd had a good day, instead of feeling like I've failed and planning ways to do a better job tomorrow.
I'd like to have a part time job.  
I'd like to sleep all night in my own bed without any children in my bed. 

I'd love to do the normal, everyday things that other people take for granted.

I've never really thought about how different our life is with Chai. It's all we've ever known. A few things lately have made me realise how restricted and challenging our life is and it's getting me down. Once I started looking around and realisation dawned it was a slippery slide into awareness of how very different we have to do things to accommodate Chai. 

Simple, every day things that should be easy are extremely difficult. This morning I spent 45 minutes helping Chai find comfortable clothes. An hour and a half later he's still not comfortable. This sets the tone for the day. Today will be a day of tears, meltdowns, anger and hurting Eljay. 
Nothing I do will change this. Cuddling, rough play, joking, trying to lighten the mood, taking them to the park, nothing will work. I know this because I've tried it all. 
This is our normal. I really wish it wasn't.

If you have a friend with a special needs child, check in on them. Don't just ask how they are and accept it when they say they're okay. Ask them how they really are and listen without judgement when they tell you how truly difficult things are.
Self pitying rant over. 
Have a beautiful weekend everyone.

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