FFS Friday - I'm raving I'm raving

You know when you make a change, hoping that it'll work but knowing that it won't? We did that. We f@#$ed up.

Chai has never been great at sleeping. Ever. The only time he sleeps well is in our bed. Tiger can't sleep with him, Chai wriggles and kicks too much when Tiger is in the bed. If it's just Chai and I he barely moves. Strange. 

For the last few years the boys have slept in a queen sized bed. When Tiger is away, they go to sleep in their bed then come into my bed during the night. When Tiger is home they start in their bed then when Chai comes into our bed Tiger gets into bed with Eljay. 

The boys sleeping has been a huge issue for Tiger. We've tried to get Chai to sleep in his own bed but it just stirs up his anxiety and stuffs up his sleep. Over the years we've had advice from several professionals but nothing works. Tiger gets very angry about not being able to sleep in his own bed, I think it's pointless being angry about something you can't change. In my opinion as long as we're all sleeping, I don't care where we sleep.

About four weeks ago we went looking for drawers for Chai and came home with a bunk bed. FFS. 
We still need drawers.

I knew it would be a bad move but Tiger has been so angry about the sleeping situation that I knew he needed to try something. Tiger thought that if the boys were in separate beds they'd sleep better because they weren't disturbing each other. 

The first night Chai was very anxious and didn't want to go to sleep. He eventually went to sleep and was in my bed by 10pm. Eljay slept until 4am in his bed then got in to bed with Tiger and went back to sleep. 

The second night Chai took ages to get to sleep again and was in my bed by 10pm. Eljay slept until 5am in his own bed.

The third night Eljay slept all night in his own bed. Success! For the rest of the time Tiger was home Eljay slept in his own bed all night. Chai didn't. To add to the fun, Tiger's now even angrier because he's now sleeping in a single bed! FFS.

Since we got the bunk beds Chai's anxiety has got steadily worse. He's taking ages to get to sleep, he's had to start taking Melatonin again and even with that he takes around an hour to get to sleep. He's extra clingy (he's sitting next to me touching me right now) and is super anxious about everything.

Most nights he's in my bed before 9pm. Last night he went to sleep at 8.40pm and by 10pm he'd come into my room five times. FFS.

Added to that, Eljay has stopped sleeping in his own bed and is waking up around midnight to come into my bed. FFS.

I'm now getting less sleep than I did when they were sleeping in a queen bed. Clever us gave the queen sized bed away, so we can't go back to sleeping in that, which means I'm stuck in non sleeping zombie mum mode for the foreseeable future. FFS. 

Through this I've realised something that I never wanted to know. 
I hate being touched when I'm on the toilet. Yep, Chai's anxiety is so bad that he tries to sit on my lap whilst I'm on the toilet. FFS.

He's seven! Seven year olds should not want to be in the room whilst their mum is on the toilet.

This whole situation is making me rage, my tolerance levels are very low and I desperately want a few hours alone. 

To all of you having a rough time, I see you, you're amazing, we've got this.