FFS Friday - Still complaining

After Mondays rant you might have thought that I was out of things to whinge about. I'm not. 

There's nothing like a family holiday to make you feel like you're a crap parent. I see all these photos of families having wonderful holidays, happy, parents, happy kids. 
Then there's us. We go on holiday and my kids spend the whole time whinging, asking for things, complaining about having to walk so far and being totally ungrateful.

Despite us doing our best to raise the boys well, not spoil them, teach them manners and make sure they turn into decent people, there are times I feel like we're failing dismally.  

Chai's sensory issues add a whole other set of problems. 
At home it's easy to forget that he's not just a normal little boy. Other than a few clothing or noise related meltdowns here and there, he's just a regular kid. Take him out of his comfort zone and everything comes to the surface. What might not bother him at home is a huge issue when we're on holidays. 

Noise sends him into a foetal position on the ground with his hands over his ears, not being able to see me has him calling out for me in a panicked voice, having to wear shoes causes a meltdown, not having the particular pair of shorts that he wants to wear causes another meltdown. Thinking that he's upset Tiger or I makes him think he's ruined everything and he's an awful person, people walking close behind startle him, men talking in a foreign language have him jumping on me in fear, the list goes on. 

I'm more aware of and attuned to the signs of Chai being in distress, so I stay close and watch him carefully, ready to act before a meltdown starts. It's exhausting. I'm emotionally drained and just want to go home. Tiger gets frustrated because Chai won't snap out of it (he can't!) 

It's times like this I'm reminded of the extra challenges that my boy faces and my heart breaks for him. Whilst we've never told him that he has any issues, he has heard the word sensory so asks about it. I've told him that we all have a sensory profile and different things irritate us. He wants to know why these things bother him so much. So far I've managed to convince him that he's just like everyone else, I'm not sure how much longer he'll believe me. 

I wish my baby didn't have to deal with these challenges and he could be just like everyone else. Our life would be so different without sensory processing disorder.

The night before we came home we went out for dinner. As we were waiting for our meals to arrive a beautiful family walked past. The parents were walking in front, talking and  holding hands. They wore nice looking casual clothes and relaxed, happy smiles. Just behind them were their two daughters in gorgeous matching outfits, with cute handbags, sparkly shoes and their hair in pigtails. They were happily walking along, not complaining, just walking along with their parents. 

Meanwhile there's me watching them. I'm exhausted, weeing myself every time I cough (which is approximately every ten minutes), my hair is a mess, my t-shirt has a mark on it from Chai wiping his mouth on me and there's another mark on my pants from Eljay's hands. Chai is running around chasing an Ibis and Eljay is kicking the table because it makes a really loud noise. I'm at one end of the table, Tiger is at the other end and we can't talk because the boys are making too much noise. 

I looked at that family and thought about how different my life could have been. Despite how messy, stressful and difficult as my life is, I'm grateful for my beautiful family and wouldn't change it for a second. 

Actually, that's not true, I would change the weeing myself issue.