Friday, 8 June 2018

FFS Friday - It takes a village

Oh look, it's time for me to get my ranty pants on again. So what's been getting my goat this week? Let me tell you.

You know when you're having a tough day with the kids and someone tells you to enjoy the time because you'll miss it when they're older? That shits me no end. Firstly, it's okay to have tough days, tough weeks, tough months. Totally normal and totally okay.

Secondly, I'm not convinced they're right. Granted, my kids aren't grown, but I have yet to find myself missing a past version of them. I don't miss when they were babies or toddlers and I'm not sure I'll miss these times either. 

Maybe it's just me. I don't miss previous times in my life either. You know how people look back and say "those were the good old days"? I don't get it. They were a different stage of my life, I don't miss them though. 

Perhaps I will miss these days when the boys are little, who knows. 

Back to the point. Stop trying to make people feel wrong/guilty for having a tough day. Parenthood is tough. You don't have to enjoy it all. It's okay not to enjoy it. It's okay to hate the stage you are going through, it's okay to complain, it's okay to talk about how hard things are. 

Right now I'm struggling. I don't like this stage at all. The kids are driving me nuts, I desperately need some time alone. I wish I had help, but I don't. The days are long, so very long. I'm angry, I'm tired, I'm exhausted and empty. I want to be alone. 

Chai is at cling factor ten. I am so over being touched all the time. Now that we aren't going to school I feel very lonely, however I just don't have the energy to reach out to someone.

A lot of Chai's issues are better/gone, however his habitual actions are getting worse and they are driving me so very crazy. His habits change regularly, but the ones he's doing at the moment are really, really, really annoying. He's making hand gestures, yelling instead of talking and saying UH all the time. 

I know he can't help it and I know it's unintentional, but these three particular habits make me rage. He does them every minute or more, so you can imagine how ragey I am at the moment. It's not pretty.

My inner self is struggling with guilt/not guilt. I feel bad that I'm getting so angry with him but at the same time I know it's totally understandable. He doesn't realise how angry I'm getting as I don't say anything, but I really wish that I wasn't so angry. He knows I'm frustrated by his actions as I'm regularly telling him to "STOP YELLING AT ME!"

We're seeing a new paediatrician soon. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. We need help, that much I know. I really don't want to put him on medication but we're at the point where we need to do something cause what we're doing at the moment isn't working. I hate the idea of my baby being medicated so I'm hoping there are other options.

I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me and maybe I need to be medicated so I spoke to the Dr but he says that I'm fine and it's just parenthood. 

Surely it's not normal to feel so irritated and angry all the time? Perhaps it is. Perhaps this is how parents of special needs kids feel. I don't know. 

Why is there not more help for parents? Places they can talk about how they're coping or not coping. Everyone focuses on the kids but no-one worries about the parents. 
I was talking to friend with a special needs child and she told me I'm the first person who's ever asked her how she's coping with his illnesses/issues. How sad is that?

This is why we all need a village. 

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