So last week Eljay wee'd in my mouth. FFS.
Not literally, but he may as well have. FFS.
See he was eating strawberries while having a bath and he wee'd in the bath. FFS.
Then he let the strawberries float around in the bath for a while then continued to eat them. As you do. FFS.
When I got him out of the bath he still had a strawberry in his hand. He kindly decided to share the strawberry with me and it was only after it was in my mouth that I remembered he'd wee'd in the bath. Gross. FFS.
So essentially he wee'd in my mouth. FFS.
I spat the strawberry out but the damage was already done. FFS.
It was all downhill from there. FFS.
He's decided that he doesn't like having his nappy changed (once again). FFS.
Nappy changes are a huge struggle. FFS.
The last two nights I've had to remove his pooey nappy whilst he's been standing up with his arms firmly wrapped around my neck. FFS.
Both times I've ended up with poo all over my top and arms. Gross. FFS.
Really, what else can I say? I would say that at least Chai hasn't poo'd or wee'd on me but that'd just be tempting fate, so I won't say that.
I've saved the best bit for last though. Or perhaps I should say the grossest bit for last.
Yesterday afternoon Eljay came inside crying and holding out his hand. FFS.
I looked at his hand and saw that it was covered in poo. Crap. FFS.
His water bottle was also covered in poo. FFS.
So were his feet. FFS.
Further inspection showed that Chai was also covered in poo. FFS.
Chai had poo'd outside then tried to clean it up. FFS.
I put both kids in the shower and scrubbed the poo off them, then went outside to check the damage. FFS.
There was a trail of poo from the sandpit, all over the lawn, in the garden and on the bricks. FFS.
Both kids wanted to come outside with me and because I wouldn't let them they were inside screaming their little hearts out. FFS.
I grabbed the hose but couldn't find the nozzle. FFS.
Naturally it was in the pool. Where else would it be? FFS.
Me going into the pool area caused the boys to up their screaming another notch. FFS.
I'd just started cleaning up the poo (it was easy to find, I just followed the trail of blowflies) when Chai decided to liberate himself and Eljay. FFS.
They both came gleefully racing outside, right into the poo. FFS.
So I hosed them off. FFS.
Don't you wish you were me?
Now it's your turn.