Friday, 24 February 2012

FFS Friday

Recently hubby has taken to giving me parenting advice. This annoys me no end. FFS.

Here are some examples:
I was swinging bub up high by the arms. Bub thinks it's great fun. Hubby saw me and told me to be careful not to dislocate his arms. Seriously? Cause that's exactly the sort of thing I'd do to my baby. FFS.

Hubby was taking bub for a shower and for some reason felt the need to tell me to get things ready for when bub got out. Really? I get him out of the shower every single day and I manage to do it without hubby telling me to. FFS.

We have Bob2 and the bloody thing is useless. It has a built in answering machine that I can never get to work. We currently have 4 messages that I can't listen to cause I can't get the stupid machine to work. Hope they're not important, like someone calling to tell me I've won a million $ or something. FFS.

Monday I ran out of shorts to wear. FFS.

I got dressed in the morning, fed bub breakfast and he splattered it all over me. Change of clothes number one. FFS.

A little later I was hiding in the kitchen eating breakfast when bub sprung me. FFS.

As usual he wanted my food so I gave him some, which he promptly smeared all over my shorts and leg (it was toast with peanut paste). Change of clothes number two. FFS.

That afternoon I was sitting on the floor playing with bub when I noticed that my leg was all wet. Yes, you guessed it, he'd spewed everywhere. There was spew all over me, all over bub and all over the floor. Change of clothes number three. FFS.

In my infinite wisdom I decided to feed him cherries for his afternoon snack. You know where this is going don't you? Change of clothes number four. FFS.

By that time I only had shorts that I wore whilst I was pregnant left. They fall off me but I was desperate so I tied the string as tight as I could and hoped for the best. FFS.

You'll never guess what happened when I was feeding bub his dinner. He got it all over me. Change of clothes number five. FFS.

At that point I gave up, had a shower and put my pj's on. At 6pm. FFS.

Tuesday morning bub was playing in his cot and I was getting his clothes ready. All of a sudden he started crying like he was in pain. I looked at him and he looked fine so I went to take him out of the cot and realised that his leg was stuck between the slats. It was stuck fast and I couldn't get it out. I oiled him up with his Audra James baby oil and managed to get his leg out. Poor bub has a black bruise on his leg now. FFS.

Tuesday night, for the first time in his life, bub slept through until 4.45am. Yay! I woke up at 4.22am and couldn't get back to sleep. FFS.

Mother in law bought some singlets for bub. When she gave them to me she told me that I should ignore the size because they will fit him now. They are a size 3 and a size 5. Bub is a size 1. They make nice dresses for him though. FFS.

Bub has an amber teething necklace. When mother in law saw it she couldn't help herself. She asked if it will choke him. I told her no. She then proceeded to tell me that she never wears necklaces at night because one night she woke up and her necklace was choking her. Can't say I blame it. FFS.

She kept on insisting that the necklace would choke bub so I told her that if it did he'd stop breathing and then his sleeping alarm would go off, so there's nothing to worry about. FFS.

That same night we gave the parentals chicken for dinner. Mum in law cuts into it and then asks if it's cooked. Unable (or unwilling) to help myself I replied "No, it's raw". Once again, she asked if it was cooked. I again told her it was raw. Then hubby took over and told her that it was cooked. She then asked if it was well cooked, to which I replied "No, it's badly cooked, we're trying to make everyone sick." FFS.

Mother in Law then asked hubby if he's ever worried about the tea towels that are hanging on the front of the oven catching fire. As if hubby needs anything else to worry about. FFS.

I told her this was ridiculous and she said that it could happen. I told her we've been here five years and if it was going to happen it would have happened by now. FFS. 

We then proceeded to have a 'discussion' about things that could go wrong. I said there's no point worrying about things you can't change. She said that it's better to be forewarned. I said that still wouldn't change things and it's due to this stupid attitude that hubby worries about everything. FFS.

Since bub arrived my house has not had a good clean. FFS.

Mum was here so I spent some time cleaning the kitchen cupboard doors, skirting boards etc. I was inordinately pleased with myself and how clean the kitchen looked, a sure sign that I've finally lost my marbles. FFS.

Hubby didn't even notice my nice clean kitchen. FFS.

A month ago I managed to paint my toenails. After a few days the polish started chipping. FFS.

This week I decided I'd better take the nail polish off. I took all the nail polish off one foot and then ran out of nail polish remover. FFS.

I went to the shop with one foot sporting sparkly, chipped nail polish and the other naked. FFS.  

That same day I was wearing a white top that I haven't worn since I had bub. When I got home I realised that despite my thick nursing bra my nipples were clearly visible through my top. FFS.

Last night I got something in my eye. FFS.

I couldn't see anything so got hubby to have a look for me. I decided he'd 'helped' enough when he decided to turn my eyelid inside out then suggested putting milk in my eye. FFS.

I went to bed with whatever it was still in my eye. FFS.

This morning the UFO (unidentified foreign object) has gone but my eye is all red and swollen. FFS.

We've had about ten poo explosions this week. Enough said. FFS.

I will say one thing about the poo explosions. One happened when I had a white top on. FFS.

Dear Baby G


  1. "No, it's badly cooked"

    Best response ever! XD So much awesome in one post.

    1. I know I shouldn't have said it, but I'm so sick of her stupid comments that I just had to!

  2. This line absolutely killed me:

    "She then proceeded to tell me that she never wears necklaces at night because one night she woke up and her necklace was choking her. Can't say I blame it."

    On a serious note, have you thought about getting a cleaner for a couple of hours every now and then? That way it would be something off your mind and you could have a few hours free. We get a cleaner once a fortnight and it costs is $63 for 2.5 hours and it's the best money you'll ever spend. I know I'm not in the same boat with a baby but i work long hours and not having to clean or argue with flat mates about cleaning is priceless.

    1. Hehehe.

      We have thought about getting a cleaner. I haven't yet though cause it seems a little indulgent to have someone cleaning my house when I'm still there, but I think I'll just have to do it, it would make life so much easier.

  3. I love your writng style.
    I wondere if hubby has been reading parenting blogs and now feels well imformed?

  4. Thanks!
    Maybe he has, I'll have to ask him where his new found wisdom is coming from.

  5. So bloody funny!! Loved the singlet dresses and your MIL necklace bahaha. So good about bub sleeping through though, yay!


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