Monday, 11 July 2011

Does it ever sink in?

Bub is seventeen weeks old now and I still can't believe it. The reality that I'm a mum and that I have a child hasn't sunk in yet and I'm wondering when it will. It all seems so unreal. I can't believe that after all those years of wanting a baby he is finally here. Every day I look at him amazed that he's been entrusted to my care. I can't believe that he grew inside me and came out of me. Even when he was first born I couldn't believe that he'd been inside of me, even though I felt and saw him come out! That a perfect little baby can come out of a person is bizarre to me. I felt the same way when both of my nephews were born.

I'm also wondering why I didn't get that rush of love that everyone talks about. I'm not saying that I don't love him, because I do, but I didn't get that feeling of intense love that people describe, where they say that they hadn't realised they could love someone so much. I love him with all I have and all I am, I would gladly give my life for him, but I'm wondering why I didn't get that feeling of my heart expanding that people describe. 


I've discussed this with a few of my friends. One of them said that she thinks some people bond with baby before it's born so they don't experience the rush of love because it's already there. Another said that babies grow on you and he didn't get that feeling till his bub was two and a half. And another friend said that when her baby was born she felt nothing (I should note here that she is one of the most loving mothers I know). 

I don't know why it didn't happen to me. Maybe because I've always know that I would love my baby more than life itself. That's just always been a fact to me, so maybe when he got here I just accepted that feeling as natural. Who knows? Or maybe I'm still in a sleepless newborn haze. 

I was really looking forward to the huge rush of emotion that people talk about, so I'm quite disappointed that I didn't get to experience it. At first I wondered if not having that feeling was a symptom of of PND, but I'm quite confident that I don't have PND. I'm happy, not depressed and I'm not feeling down or sad or any of the other things that I'd feel if I had PND. So I really have no idea why I didn't get the love rush, maybe that's just another one of the many mummy myths that are around. I'm sure half the things we get told about what should and shouldn't happen are just made up lies.


6 comments :

  1. interesting and thought provoking post, to be honest with my first (and hind sight) I'm convinced that the fact that I had an epidural made me not experience the hormonal release that is meant to happen, the one that comes with all the warm fuzzy love feelings. I was like oh yeh it's my baby, how nice. Whereas with my second where the birth was very god forsakenly painful and somewhat traumatic, the feeling of love and elatedness was uncontainable, I wanted to name her Sunny because I was on such a natural high, my third was the same I was so smitten with her. I'm looking forward to my fourth, I hope I get the love vibe this time too.

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  2. I didnt feel the rush of love either. After 12 hours of labour then a caesar I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep and shitty that I had a damn baby to deal with. The love hit me in the middle of the night. I was staring at him thinking holy crap i made that and i was suddenly overwhelmed.

    I didn't overly like kids before I had my son, though always imagined having them. I don't think i bonded that much during pregnancy - I was mostly hoping that i would actually like my own kid. Then I was so drugged out after the caesar I didn't get a chance to feel the love. So it took a good 6 hours for my love rush to come, but it did.

    Also, I dont think that it sinks in that you are a mum until well after 6 months. Or thats how long it took for me. Its around then that you feel your baby really needs and wants you...before that its our boobs he wants! Its when they are upset and only want you to cuddle them that you most feel like a mum, I find anyway.

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  3. What a beautiful post. I love that you are writing about beauty and life in the one blog- it is all the more richer yet still lots of fun.

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  4. I've had midwives, obs and pyschiatrists tells me that for the most part, people say it for saying it, or say it becauwse they experience is NOW, but have blocked out that they didnt feel it initially. It's like movie sex - it's not like that, or waters breaking in the movies, babies born and suddenly it's rainbows and a rush of love is not real, or if it is, is definitely not the majority.

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  5. PS I think I could write a book on things they don't tell you about pregnancy and babies!

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  6. Thanks for the comments everyone. It's interesting how a lot of us didn't get that rush of love and yet when you're pregnant you think that it happens to everyone.

    TBP, I'm so glad you like these personal posts, I really wasn't sure about doing these posts so the feedback is great.

    Lou, you should write that book!

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Hi, thanks so much for your comment!